Sometimes life just sucks. Plain and simple. Sometimes things don’t go as planned, sometimes grief will consume you so deeply…sometimes you just have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I’m comfortable admitting how selfish I am. I know you’re always supposed to wish that this life ends peacefully for your loved ones, but no. Forget that. When life ends peacefully, it also ends unexpectedly. Those you leave behind have no warning and have had no time to prepare mentally or emotionally. The state of emotional chaos you leave in your place is at times unbearable for your loved ones. So many people use words like “gentle” and “sweet” to describe their grandmothers. I would use the words “sassy” and “fierce.” Everything about my grandmother was different, wonderful, confusing and lovely…somehow all at the same time. She let me watch Pretty Woman at just the young age of 5, of course fast forwarding through the most questionable parts of the movie. (Side-note: For the generation who’s never used a VCR, Google what fast forwarding means on a video. It’s NOT the same as skipping a chapter on a DVD. Actually, for that matter, if you’re in the generation who’s never used a VCR, you’ve probably never seen Pretty Woman. Get on Hulu or Netflix or iTunes and watch the movie. It’s fantastic.) My grandmother, or in our southern style, MawMaw, taught us how to play gin rummy before the age of 8. We built so many Lincoln Log forts, I’m pretty sure each wooden building block is worn smooth by now. She had a passion for reading – I’m so thankful she passed that on to me. She used to let me check out 10+ books from the library at a time…I dream big. She made the best spaghetti in our family, which is saying a lot since my mother remarried a true Italian man. Her apple dumplings were just divine. What I wouldn’t give for a carb-loaded, sweet bite of one right now.
Everyone tells you to be happy and find peace in knowing she’s back with my grandfather (PawPaw – I told you…true southern style) and she’s reunited with her parents and younger brother….no. I find zero amounts of peace right now. And you know what, I think that’s completely okay. One day I will…one day I won’t pick up her necklace and cry at the memory I have of her wearing it. One day I won’t stare at my phone at night, expecting it to ring with terrible, awful news. One day I’ll share her legacy with the next generation. But right now, today, it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, selfish. It’s okay to fall apart when it hurts. Not that she would’ve wanted sadness, but in her true sassy style, I’m sure she’d be hurt if we didn’t cry every once in a while…
THIS is what true love and happiness looks like…I can almost smell the gardenias from here.
I’m so thankful she let me be myself. I owe so much of who I am today to this spunky, sassy, colorful woman.
(Lyric title: “O’Child” written by Joshua Scott Pearson & Armon Cheek)